My congratulations, Mr. Emmanuel Macron, President of France. You have just been elected President of France, by the French alone, you believe. You will soon know that you have also been recognized by the Gondwanans that we are, and that you are also our president. Gondwana, according to Mamane, an impertinent columnist who rages on your RFI radio, but which is also ours as long as it does not criticize our beloved leaders, is all of your country's former colonies in Africa. They have of course become independent countries for many years and very jealous of their sovereignty. However, you will soon understand that you are also the leader, independent as they are.
You probably did not notice it, but many French people are actually Gondwanans and they voted overwhelmingly for you, since Madame Le Pen had in her program the project to kick them out of your beautiful country. What they cannot accept, whatever the mess they live in with you. And we others who live in the country, have mobilized all our witch juju makers and sorcerers for your victory, since we value the money sent to us by our parents who are at home. You don't believe in these stories of juju makers? You are wrong. Ask Chirac. He had a Juju maker in Ivory Coast who had told him precisely when he would be elected president of his country. So you are our new president. Welcome to Gondwana, Mr. President. What do you mean ? You have certainly already noticed that it is your soldiers who are chasing the jihadists who absolutely want to make us discover the delights of the 40 virgins who await every good Muslim in paradise. What are our armies doing, you ask me? They either carry out coups d'Etat as in Mali, just when the arm and foot cutters were showing up, or they carry out mutinies as in Côte d'Ivoire last January to buy motorcycles, or they repress their opponents as in most other countries. You will see that soon our chefs will be jostling to be the first to kiss you on the steps of your Elysée Palace, or to kiss you in their tropical palaces. And, during lunch or dinner, between the pear and the cheese, they will ask you to help them make ends meet or hunt rebels who are a little too threatening. You will certainly wonder why it would be up to you to hunt down jihadists or rebels in the desert and pay the salaries of our civil servants. It will be in the name of your historic duty as a former colonizer, Mr. President. It's like that. The English and the Portuguese also colonized Africa, but they did not impose this duty on themselves. Don't worry, it's not free. I am sure that the leaders of the big companies in your country have already explained to you why you must very friendly ask your African counterparts to let them have monopolies in their countries, and to control their essential minerals for your industry or your atomic bombs, such as uranium for example. They will also explain to you why it is absolutely necessary to maintain the CFA franc. Someone has to pay for the bombs dropped on jihadists, planes, helicopters, drones and everything else. This is why, for example, Air France tickets to Africa are the most expensive in the world.
Mr. President, you will soon see a certain Robert Bourgi in your entourage. He will certainly offer you high-priced suits, shoes or underpants. Beware of it. He offered suits to Fillon and the latter took a nice jacket in the election that brought you to power. He will probably also offer you djembe. They are often stuffed with CFA francs. CFAs can be changed very easily in Barbès. It can be useful, since you will soon have legislative elections and you need a majority in Parliament. A little cash helps during an election. And you know very well that the financing of elections is a very complicated business in your country. Why would Bourgi offer you these costumes and djembes? He's not the one paying. He has good African friends who are too shy to give you these gifts directly. So they go through him. Why these gifts? For three times nothing. Just that you look the other way when they stuff the ballot boxes in their democratic elections and cover your ears when they slap their opponents.
Once again my congratulations, Mr. President. In a future column I will explain how to manage us, ordinary Gondwanan. I can assure you that we are great numbers.
By Venance Konan
*This article has been translated from French into English by Marcus Boni Teiga
